I wish I could describe how I’m feeling right now, but I can’t.  The word trapped comes to mind.  For all sorts of reasons people are angry.  I’m sure it’s like that everywhere, but it’s so heart breaking here.  I just want out.  Not just for me, but for my mom.  I wish we could move to a place where everyday the people and the places draw inspiration. Every morning feels like a gift that you want to use.  There’s no constant dreaming about the future, it would be about living in the now, because the now is so much better than silly daydreaming.

I don’t care if it’s a busy city or a quiet countryside.  If there are rolling waves or rolling hills.  I just can’t stand listening to people being so stressed out and disgruntled by their situation.  Even though many situations can be changed, some can’t. This isn’t an abusive home.  Thankfully it’s not like that.  But it isn’t happy anymore.  It use to be that I could walk in and I knew that my home would be so full of laughter and joy.  Very rarely was there a bad day. Now that isn’t the case.

I can’t just get up and leave. Where would I go?  If I can’t take my mom and my dogs with me, then I won’t find happiness, not if my heart feels empty.  I’m the kind of person that needs family and has roots.  To feel like I belong somewhere. I’m hopeful for the future and yet it seems as though life is just sad and pathetic.  Maybe that’s just me.  I guess for now daydreaming silly dreams will have to do.

As I lay in my bed early Sunday morning I hear the light humming of my fan and just outside the door the light tick tick ticks of my dog’s toenails hitting the hardwood floor. Soon, my mom will walk quietly across the room hoping she doesn’t disturb me, but just as quickly as the thought enters her head, the dogs begin to bark as they tell her excitedly how much they need to go out. This is the usual Sunday morning.

What comes next doesn’t usually deviate much except for what’s on the menu for the morning. Last Sunday she cooked a skillet breakfast and retold the memories of how she use to make it for us as kids.  I watched her carefully cook the hash browns, then add the sausage and then in amazement add scrambled eggs, not even knowing what a skillet breakfast was.

This Sunday was more familiar. Pancakes. An American staple in many households with cheese filled smokey links to finish off the breakfast.  The dogs had smokey links and scrambled eggs; they’re favorite.

Then we colored our graying hair and got ready to go outside.  Spring and Summer have become our favorite seasons even more so since we fenced in our yard. The dogs have free reign to run and enjoy the sunshine.  Sitting outside for a couple of hours every Sunday lets me even at 23 still connect with my mother.

Of course I bring my camera out and you never know what shot you might get, but sometimes I have a good idea.  So, enough with all the words here’s what makes Sundays so memorable and lovable.  My beautiful, healthy,  sweet baby sitting on my lap just hamming it up with me for the camera.

For a whole bunch a personal reasons I haven’t blogged since December.  Mostly because I didn’t have anything to say.  I lost my voice.  I lost myself.  At one time everything made sense and I knew exactly what I was suppose to be doing and now not so much. But, I will say that I’m trying to make a personal comeback. Not for you, but for me.  I’m going to do things for me from now on and hopefully this time I get it right. I’ve been working on a few things. I thought I’d give you a sneak peek at one and a look at the others.

First up the things I’ve made in the past 5 months.

This is the first ripple blanket I’ve ever attempted. It took me a month but it turned out really well.

The two other items I made were both striped quilted bags. I seen the tutorial someplace else and I knew I had to give it a shot.

The sneak peek is another ripple blanket I’m working on.

The other day I was looking at blogs and I stumbled upon a scrap fabric wreath. Immediately I thought I could make that. That’s just what I did this weekend. I used a good proportion of my scraps up in the process. The inspiration was http://lindamade.wordpress.com/2008/11/28/the-shop-is-open/

Here it is!

Sadie modeling it for me.

My sweet baby, Isa just turned one years old today.  In 5 weeks it will be a year since I’ve had her. It blows my mind when I think that she was just 1 pound, 4 ounces and now she’s 16 pounds. From this:

To this:

We are having her dog party tonight.  I bought her that poppin, new, light blue, rhinestoned collar and Steve bought her an ID tag.  She’ll be getting toys as well. Wow! I’ve had this bundle of joy for 47 weeks and I can’t imagine my life without her.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and through the rough parts of the year, I always find something to be thankful for. Myself. I’m alive and healthy. I’m in good spirit and I have not compromised myself to get ahead in life. I am strong, confident and capable. I have family and friends who love me, who I love back.  I have the most wonderful dogs. Friendly, purring cats. I have a book to read and pen pal to write to. Money in the bank and a little bit in my purse. My brother is overseas but he’s alive and he will be home next year. I have reached out to friends this year and had them reach back. I’ve pushed myself to be better and I’m not letting fear run my life.  I have food to eat, including a 29 pound turkey for tomorrow. I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in,  my youngest dog curled up in my lap sleeping peacefully. I have opportunities that others do not have.  I have a new president who brings hope. I have the Lord and Jesus in my heart.  I have more things to be Thankful for than I could have possibly imagined.  I am thankful and I am blessed.  I hope you are too.

These past two weeks have been stressful and overly emotional for me.  Let’s start from the beginning.  Last week Junior had a seizure and I don’t know if it had anything to do with him having it outside, but there was something wrong with his eye.  His eye was swollen and kind of resembled a ‘cherry eye.’  Of course I freaked out and cried and then prayed to God (literally), that his eye would be fine, knowing that Junior doesn’t do well with things like surgery.  He had such a hard time after he got neutered, I can’t and don’t even want to imagine what he’d go through if he needed some kind of eye surgery.  His eye did look that bad. Thankfully it got better and by the next day he was fine.  Now Isabelle’s problem.

Last Sunday I was petting her as usual and I felt a lump on her back. At first I thought well she’s eating, still playing and it doesn’t hurt when I touch the lump.  So, maybe she just bumped it from under the bed and it’ll go away. It’s Wednesday and she has an appointment at 1:30 and I’m not going to lie.  I’m scared to death that it’s something bad.  I’ve read that it could be a cyst and that it probably won’t be hard to take out. But what if it’s cancer? What if it requires major surgery or chemo? I already cried and I want to again and again. I prayed to God that if he can’t make it just go away and at least make it not painful for her.  I guess I find out today whether he’ll answer my prayers. 

I don’t know if I’m being tested on my strength and love for my dogs, but I can tell that these last two weeks have not been easy.  If you want to test my strength, then give me the lump and leave my dogs out of it. I know I can handle it, but I don’t know if they can.

I haven’t had the motivation to really create anything lately, so I thought I’d start off small.  I made my mom a quilted hand towel for the fall season.  She loved it.  It felt good getting something done. I made it with different fall-ish fabrics and waffle weave muslin.

Last September I knew what I wanted in life.  I had direction and purpose, but not so much lately.  I lost my way and I can’t seem to find myself.  A part of it is from my craft bazaar.  It didn’t do very well and I know that it’s my fault.  It was like somebody punching me in chest. Just POW!  Next thing you know I’m down and out and I can’t get back up.  That right there kind of scares me.  A small bump in my road and all of sudden I don’t trust my skills and my passion for creating.  There’s a lot of negativity going on in my mind whenever I get done making something.   How do I fix it?  I don’t know if I should just keep going and hope and perhaps pray that I get “it” back.  It was so bad, I started looking online at local community colleges.  I hated school and the thought of doing something that I have no passion for makes me sick.  I just feel stuck and even when I write it’s very quick and to the point. I wrote with such zest for life a year ago and now it’s all eh.  Or here’s my life (sigh).  I don’t want or need pity.  I guess I just need to recognize how I’m feeling.  I know my creativity is still there I just wish I had the drive to put forth the time to do something with it.  And I miss my grandma G.G. I wish I could go see her and make something for her. I still haven’t finished embroidering her quilt. Maybe that’s the first step.  I miss having Brad around to talk to.  He has always been good at giving me a kick in the ass when I need it. Probably another 8 months until I see him.  I’m not right with myself so, what now?

Yet another year has gone by and now Sadie is four.  I will say she has calmed down a bit, but not really.  She has her dog party on Saturday and I might wait till then to give Sadie her presents.  Oh the hard questions I face as a dog owner.  If only all the other dog owners in this world had it as easy as I do.  Enjoy it now because one of these days she’ll have bad hips and really need help getting around.  Wait today is suppose to a joyous occasion.  You know what Dog Quote time.

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love.  For me they are the role model for being alive.  ~Gilda Radner

Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.  ~Max Eastman, Enjoyment of Laughter

I love a dog.  He does nothing for political reasons.  ~Will Rogers